I just got divorce papers on Monday this week. I was married to an amazing woman for 7 years, and we had a beautiful daughter together. Honestly our marriage was extremely difficult because neither of us were ready to be married, but we were hopelessly in love and blindly striving for something miraculous. It would have worked out, but we both had a bad habit of putting the other between us and God.
I have had an issue with substance abuse since before I reached puberty. I remember being put on medication as a young child, first or second grade, and I remember that I loved it. Ritalin! It made me feel great, and I remember that as long as I claimed that it helped me "want to behave" I could get as much as I wanted. It wasn't until my recent episode of Adderall abuse that I became willing to accept that it was always the feeling stimulants gave me that I wanted, not the ability to focus and slow my thoughts down. While it may have helped where it needed to it also caused more problems than it solved. Staying awake for days, sometimes a week at a time just to mention one precarious aspect.
The divorce wasn't brought about by my Adderall abuse however. Althought it did have a lot more to do with it than my exwife would like to admit the major culprit was my Toluene abuse... Huffing. While Adderall did make me feel great it also kept me awake for days on end which would have an obvious effect on my thought process, but Toluene would instantly change my mental state and completely change my personality within a few hours. I abused it for so long and preformed so many selfish, inconsiderate, and egotistical actions while useing it that I've ended up at another rock bottom in my life. Divorced, unemployed, facing possible jail time, spent my 36th birthday in a mental health facility on suicide watch, and spending Christmas in a mental health / substance abuse rehab with 90 other guys most of which are just trying to get out of the cold not rehabilitate. On the bright side I get to talk to my kids via video chat from time to time until the service plan runs out on my phone, but I'm learning to appreciate what I have while I have it.
The hardest part of this bottom is the time I'm missing with my kids. The oldest daughter doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I don't blame her. I was a complete ass hole to her for about 4 months while I was totally lost in my substance abuse which included drunken moments of mental and verbal abuse that I only vaguely remember. My two boys were victims of my behavior as well, but I remember that I was a lot more vigilant to make amends to them after being a jerk than I was to anybody else. My youngest daughter was just too young to understand what was going on, but I know she was scared enough from at times that she has even made reference to the "bad dad" vs "nice dad" personas I exhibited over the last year.
The bad behavior that my kids observed was only part of the reason my exwife decided it was time for a divorce. I also did other things that my ex has made it clear that she doesn't want exposed to the general public, and as a curtsey to her I will abide by her wishes. However I will say that up until we separated she endured a lot of unpleasantness to say the very least.
Everything that I've written about so far would be pointless if I didn't make mention of the fact that I am ready to change for the better. About 9 years ago I made a major change in my life, but I ended up reverting to my old ways because life got the better of me, and I gave up on working things out in healthy ways. I let things get so out of control that when the idea of using Toluene came into my head I didn't even resist the temptation even though at that point I had been functioning well without it for over 3 years. Hopfully if I get the time I'll write out a more detailed description of why that period of abstinence failed, but at this point in time I think I've written enough.
Thanks for reading, and I hope everybody has a Happy Marry Christmas!
